Step aside Kanye, there’s a new presidential candidate in town.

Known as the Godfather of EDM, Disco Donnie shocked politicians, lawmakers, and members of the media when he announced his strive to become the next President of the United States – cue applause.

The announcement came today at an impromptu press conference held at an after-hours location in Las Vegas. Along with the news of wanting to become our next President, Disco Donnie also stated that he will be creating a new political party called the Party Party. The Party Party stands to fight for every American’s basic rights to party in the United States.

Perhaps he should contact Miley Cyrus to become his Vice President? After all, she did give us “Party in the USA.”

Why go through with launching a presidential campaign and creating a new political party? See the official statement from Disco Donnie himself:

“My fellow party constituents. We are a people whose heart beats, with beats. We are a people, founded under the belief that all genres are created equal. That they are endowed by their listeners with certain unalienable rights at festivals, club events, and raves. However, listeners no longer feel listened to.

I fear we have lost sight of our original goal. We hardly see multi-genre shows and festivals anymore. We hardly see new artists on announced lineups or hear the names of the old school when some Ravers discuss which DJs are “killing it.” I stay up at night worrying about whether future kids will learn the names of Frankie Knuckles, Larry Levan, Kevin Saunderson, Derrick May, and Juan Atkins in their music plurriculum at school.

The Party Party fights for those who are in rave turmoil. Those who have lost their job because they showed up late after experiencing a layover while traveling back from TomorrowWorld. Those who eat nothing but ramen noodles while saving up to go to WMC–ahem, sorry, “Miami Music Week.”

Hearing about these situations breaks my heart – I look around me and I see party people are looking for a change in the status quo. What our scene needs now is a great leader. Someone who can take the party and make it truly great again. A leader who understands partying is a job and that you shouldn’t be fired from it.

That’s why I’ve decided to announce that I am running as the Party Party President of the United States.

On Capitol Hill, I want a House [Music] of Representatives that reflects the best of our great scene and addresses the growing challenges of partying:

  • A shrinking middle class resulting from expensive festival tickets, kandi, and table service fees.
  • Equal opportunity to achieve a higher state of consciousness.
  • Raver Health Care, which supports rave induced injuries such as back pain from raging too hard or shin splints from hours standing at events.
  • Pension plans for GoGo dancers.
  • Mandatory rave history inclusion in all school testing.
  • Festival Transportation Funding which increases the offering of shuttles to all clubs/festivals in an effort to cut down on carbon emissions.
  • Global fresh water shortage affecting free water at festivals
  • The full elimination of taxes on festival necessities such as kandi supplies, fluffies, sunscreen and more.

We must restore the role of DJs to create proper vibes so that the party can prosper and flourish. We have to unify the ravers around the values we all share:

  • That clubs should be allowed to close whenever they want.
  • Water should be free at all festivals!
  • More international artists brought stateside.
  • Hangovers should qualify as paid time off.
  • Everyone dancing around you has showered and applied deodorant.

Other party leaders have had their chance to create the best party and they have failed. The Party Party is willing to take these challenges head on with new leadership, fresh ideas, and a different approach.

I am running for Party Party President because I want to help create a neon, blacklight-approved vision of growth and opportunity for everyone who parties in America.”

Performers Mentioned In This Article